apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
