I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
