Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
