Pregnant stripper...not hot.
one two three fourrrrnication!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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