can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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