So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
