It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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