when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
