he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm too high and old for this...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize