your thong is hanging out like whoa
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
