omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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