the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
