god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize