Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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