i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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