you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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