So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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