I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
