We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
