im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
