I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
