Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
