five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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