you traded sex for a burrito?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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