I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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