Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
