What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
