Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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