I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
