Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
