someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You need a sexual gate keeper
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
