I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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