I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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