watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
