Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My ass is underappreciated
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
