So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She's the barista slut.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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