Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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