After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
