the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He keeps bees of course he's weird
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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