so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize