Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
