i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My bed smells like the plague
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
