ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
