There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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