we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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