I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
