ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
