..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
