It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
