So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
