im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
