So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize