I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
