the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize