I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
