My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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