I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
please come you make the beer taste better
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
