There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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