I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
