mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
