DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sorry about my life...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize