The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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