Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
