my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
