my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
